From the video above, it seems obvious that it’s about the nail because it sticks out of her head and is obviously causing her problems.
Take a moment to write the answer to the following question:
Can you be ABSOLUTELY sure that it’s REALLY about the nail?
From my experience of coaching / training over 25,000 people in 30 countries… she’s actually right: it’s NOT about the nail.
The nail is very easy to remove. If she WANTED the nail to be removed, she’d do it right away. The REAL problem is not the pain that the nail is causing… the REAL problem is that she wants someone to listen to her. She wants to feel loved. She wants to receive the attention she deserves.
The REASON she’s choosing to ignore / deny the fact that the nail is causing her so much pain, is that it helps her maintain people paying attention to her, and giving her love.
She most likely deeply believes that if she doesn’t have a problem and pain, she’s not going to be listening to, that she doesn’t deserve to be loved, and that nobody would pay attention to her.
The problem is NOT the nail. The problem is how she feels about herself, and how she get love and attention.
From my experience, there are 3 main ways out of this problem:
1. The pain caused by the nail becomes so big, that the illusion of love and attention are just enough to keep hurting herself… and she’ll chose to remove the nail herself.
2. She will push people away as they eventually lose patience, and stop giving her the love and attention she wants… and she’ll either find other people to give her this love and attention, or she’ll look at herself in the mirror, and remove the nail herself.
3. She gets the experiences of someone who REALLY gives her love and attention, not because she complains about the nail, but for who she is… and as she receives what she’s always wanted, she realizes that the nail is not necessary, and remove it herself.
I work on #3 with my coaching clients: I give them the love and attention that nobody else gives them. I listen to my clients without judgement, and without falling for the stories of their problems. My coaching clients always come with a problem that’s very clear:
- I need more money (= “I need something from the outside world“)
- My employees are lazy (= “I need people to change“)
- I want to make a change in my life, but I don’t have the confidence (= “I need to change”)
- My partner is leaving me (= “Problems are happening to me”)
At the end of our coaching session, they often realize that the problem they came for wasn’t ACTUALLY the problem they had. My job as a coach is to look at what lies under the problem.
A good example is the work I did with Patryk Wezowsk, founder of the Center for Body Language. During our email conversation to set up his 1st coaching conversation, he explained that the problem he was facing was raising money for the documentary he really wants to make.
His problem wasn’t at all raising money, his problem was the confidence he had in himself. Through our conversation, I brought to his attention not the nail, but the reason he was keeping the nail in his head. I didn’t work with him on how to get the nail out, but what he was losing by keeping the nail in, and what he could gain by getting rid of the nail.
He took the nail out himself, and three weeks after our coaching session, he had already raised the $200k he needed. When we talked next, he said:
Thank you for your support because your session helped me to focus on $50k or more first! Much better than my initial plan of getting smaller investments first… I was focusing on the small investors because I believed that it was necessary to build the confidence of big investors. After our coaching session, the big change was that I realized that I just needed to approach the bigger investors first, confidently. The result is that we already secured two big investors, which means that we’re ahead of schedule and we can now focus on even bigger investors!”
My job as a coach is to have a high bullshit-meter, and to notice when you’re focusing on the nail, and bring the conversation back to the reason you’re keeping the problems in your life.
When you look at your problems, don’t stop at the nail in your head… take a moment to write down the answers to the following three questions:
1. WHAT ARE ALL THE “NAILS” IN YOUR HEAD?
2. WHY DO I WANT TO KEEP THE NAIL IN MY HEAD?
3. WHAT DO I GAIN FROM THE PAIN AND SUFFERING I INFLICT ON MYSELF?
If you want to explore why you’re keeping the nail in your head and how to get rid of it, get in touch via www.redefineus.com