From December, my will to fight had been slowly draining. Since I arrived home in Romania to this point, I decreased the intensity of work three times. I was feeling like I had to take on the world. As I mentioned before, I had signed an agreement with my parents to become financially independent until the 1st of March. I wanted to go to Berlin, to have a fresh start, to explore some more of the world. But as time was passing by, the meaning of these things started fading from me.

I began being unhappy with certain parts of my life. At some point I realized why that was:

At the time I was working on getting clients, but I realized what I really wanted to do was write – so I asked Noam to allow me to work on the Art of a Magical Life. He agreed and even arranged that I do coaching with an expert in Content Marketing so that I may better take on the job.

I started doing that, but still, something wasn’t clicking. My will to fight was still draining.

Eventually I came to realize that I had made a big mistake in breaking up with my girlfriend. That night I had an intense dream in which I unlocked a secret door, but the walls came crashing down before I could see what was inside.

 

When I woke up, I knew what I had to do: Go to Malta and get back with my girlfriend. When I spoke to her about it, I found out she got back with her boyfriend.

 

I spent the next month burning on the inside, planning my return to Malta to sweep her off her feet and generally feeling deeply unhappy.

All the while, I began losing focus in terms of work more and more. In January, I barely managed to even get the minimum of work done, and that was also thanks to the fact that I had winter holidays and got to cool off. Through this, Noam continued being supportive and coaching me to help me find my way.

I was supposed to move to Malta at the end of January. However, two weeks before that date, I met another girl who… made me feel alive.

 

Three hours before my flight I called the airline and cancelled it. I decided to stay. On the train home, I recall having the most absolute silence in my head. I remember just thinking: I’ve done it, I’ve broke my pattern, I’ve took an action that killed my previous identity of a hedonistic adventurer, and decided to choose something simpler. Things were going to get better.

 

When I arrived home, things didn’t get better. I kept speaking to Noam about my choices, about what was happening.

Most of my work now was to write articles and send the e-mails to the client. Me and Noam would have conversations, he would speak about a topic, and then I was to write articles about them.

I had the conversations, I loved them. When I went to write the articles, I found them uninteresting. So I wrote things from my own experience. Yet, after I wrote them, I knew they were bad.

Then Noam and I started working on a script for a video titled: ‘The Invisible Path’ (see appendice). The basic idea of it was that we are all walking The Invisible Path of life, which is hard, draining, unending, but also filled with love, incredible people and aliveness.

I loved the concept, and as we worked and talked about it, I constantly wondered:

‘Am I still on The Invisible Path? Am I still walking the Fearless road?’

There is a part in the script which

The script became the only aspect of the job I was still drawn to, and on which I worked passionately.

 

As the days passed on, I kept searching for a solution. I started doubting everything. Was I really supposed to be working with Noam? Shouldn’t I be pursuing my writing? Am I a writer? What was my decision to stay home all about? Does coaching work? Am I working for someone else’s purposes? What does this girl want from me? What do I want from me?

By the third week of February I felt completely lost. I was stressing continuously about not meeting the demands of the job, about my choices in my love life, about my life path. I was looking for solutions in every corner of my head, talking to people about it. At some point I couldn’t even tell what were my thoughts, my opinions, what I liked and what other people did. I thought people were corrupting me with their influence and their opinions, that I had opened myself too much and now I was losing who I was. I felt extremely dirty, I told myself I felt like ‘A Spiritual Whore.’ I became extremely defensive. I was aware that I was unappreciative of everything I had and every night I prayed for an answer, for a way to appreciate, to make good choices.

 

I decided to push away the girl I stayed home for and I started doubting my agreement to be Fearlessly Honest with Noam.

 

 

See chapter 12 for Retrospect.

Comment